Today I feel broken, not just with my finger, not just with my illnesses but I feel emotionally broken. I miss my family. My father passed away almost 20 years ago. Not a day doesn't go by that he is not in my thoughts.
I miss my brother who has been absent in my life for the past 9 months. I miss my sister who has been absent in my life for the past 3 months. My sister lives around the corner from me, but she could live several states away, because we never talk, we never see each other. Well we haven't in the past three months.
My brother on the other hand, lives in London, England, miles away. We often spoke to each other daily, sometimes weekly. But we always spoke. Since December I have not spoken to him. It is not because my lack of trying. He has disconnected from everyone close to him.
My mother and I frankly have never been close. Growing up she always favored my sister. I normally hung around my father. Learned how to cut grass and shovel the driveway. My sister and mother would go out shopping. Its not that I didn't enjoy doing these things, I was a tomboy back then, cutting grass seemed way better than shopping. But now as an adult trying to connect with my mother is nearly impossible. She is very difficult and hard to handle at times.
I am emotionally broken because I have had to deal with alot of things lately and no one really to talk to about it. Sure I have my husband and boys. But they are busy with their own lives and work to stop and think about me. They do not understand the depth of the diseases I have. The struggles that I have to go through everyday. I don't want to whine or makes excuses for anyone. We each choose our paths the best we can.
There are alot of things I keep to myself. I try to lead on that I am ok, but I am not I am broken. The illnesses are getting the best of me. This lingering finger issue still lingers over my head. And the lack of support from my family. My constant blood work not being good, and the barrage of medication to combat all these diseases. Its overwhelming.
There is never a day that I feel well. I always feel sick. I see the Rheumatologist on Tuesday. I am asking to either do another infusion of Rituxan or go back on prednisone. I want to feel well. Not sick anymore.
The definition of broken is weakened, subdued, not functioning. I feel that I am all of those things. Maybe one day this will all change, maybe one day they will find a cure, maybe one day I will be the person I used to be, maybe one day I will be the person I always wanted to be.